The change I am going to be making and the next chapter in my life is that I will finally be getting a firm grasp on my weight and ridding it hopefully...for the rest of my life. I have decided I will no longer hold myself captive with this. I want to enjoy my life. I have made the decision to get the gastric sleeve surgery. I have thought about it for a year now, doing research and much MUCH pondering and asking myself questions. Am I ready? Can't I just try and lose it on my own? Is this the easy way out? I have prayed about it and thought about it and I have decided this is what I need to do. I have done the gym stuff, done the diets. I have hired professionals to kick my butt at the gym nothing has helped. I have gone to the Dr's done the tests and nothing seems to be wrong medically yet I can't seem to lose it.
I had never really had health problems until this last year. That's what really got me into thinking about another option. When I met my husband I was what I thought at my heaviest. Little did I know that Love could add another 50 pounds lol. I am now currently at my heaviest. I can at least say that my husband married me at my worst lol so I know it's true love lol. It didn't help that when we were dating we went out alot and never went and did anything active. Even from the time we got engaged until our wedding day I tried and tried and tried to watch what I ate because I did NOT want to be to big for my wedding dress. Luckily the wedding dress still fit but it was tight...let me tell ya. I was a little nervous as my mom and sister were trying to cram me into it lol. I felt so pretty that day but at the same time I felt super fat like a decorated puff marshmallow lol. It was a great day and the pictures were beautiful. The whole wedding was beautiful but I didn't feel like it. I think the biggest factor for me was how crummy I had started feeling not only physically but emotionally as well.
A couple years ago I had to have knee surgery for a torn meniscus. To this day my knee still hurts but it's not just my knee anymore. My back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my feet hurt, shoot...even my hands hurt. I hadn't really had any other health problems but this year I was put on a blood pressure medication.I'll be honest that scares me. I want to be around to see my niece and nephew grow up. I want to spend a long, happy life with my husband and eventually start our own family. I decided then I needed to look at other options to gain control. A co-worker of mine had gotten the gastric sleeve surgery and she lost alot of weight. She looks great to this day but seeing her results made me start looking into it and doing some research.
I learned it's a laproscopic surgery. There's no foreign object being left in my body such as with the lap band and there is no re-routing of the digestive system and complications that could come along with that.I will lose about 75% of my stomach but I will be set up with the tools I need to be able to live a healthy, smaller life :).They connect you with a support group and training on how to eat and start your thinking process over about food and gaining good food habits. . I have talked to my husband about it over and over making sure this is something we both feel comfortable with. I don't want to make such a drastic change in my life if he didn't feel comfortable with it...plus I will need him to take care of me for a couple weeks at least lol. I'm excited to think of what the changes could be. I know it won't all be easy but I'm ready for it.
I have my first consultation with my Dr on Oct 7th. I'm nervous but excited. I'm excited to find out for sure if this is really the route I want to take. I'm excited to know the process and some of what I can expect from having this surgery.
I won't lie. I know I let my imagination go wild with the possibilities of what could come. I think about what the new me might look like, I worry I might have a lot of loose skin, or my boobs will become pancakes but then I remind myself theirs surgeries for that lol. I think about where I will be able to shop for new clothes and finally being able to wear cute boots and summer dresses....shoot maybe even skinny jeans again! The ideas run rampant in my mind but the main thoughts are that I will finally be able to enjoy life again. I won't be tired from walking up the stairs or feeling like I'm going to literally die at hot yoga lol. My main line of thinking is that I am going to be getting myself healthier to be able to enjoy those walks with the dog, and mostly to be healthy and start a family with my husband. I want to start off on the right foot. I want to be able to enjoy a hot yoga class and not feel like everyone is staring at me in those mirrors judging me or counting down the time of when the fat girl was gonna have to walk out. lol
Some people may not agree with this decision. I used to think it was the lazy way out. If people would only take the time to work out at least 30 min a day they could lose the weight. But I was never in their shoes. I didn't know what it felt like to be in a state of depression where I felt helpless. I feel like I'm at a state where this weight makes it hard to work out or even just walk. I get winded and am sweating by the time I even get to my desk at work. It's pathetic and I know I only have myself to blame for it. That's whats the most upsetting to me is that I let myself get to this point. I don't look at this surgery as an easy way out though. I know I have a long road ahead of me. This is life changing. Not only for me but for everyone around me. I will have to retrain my ideas of food and my thinking of it as a comfort. I will have to retrain my thoughts on working out and keeping up with it daily because if I don't...I will end up right back here in the spot I don't ever want to be at again.
So with this blog here is what I hope to achieve. With doing my research I read about people tossing the idea around and asking questions themselves. I want to hopefully help people by sharing the pros and cons of this experience. I want to be able to reach out to someone who like myself may feel like there's no hope and be able to reach out to them and let them know there is someone who understands. Who knows what it's like to be obese in a world full of skinny girls.
Just a funny to me thought...
It's always funny to me when I hear on the news about how fat the US is and where the most obese people live at because I swear I have always been the only fat girl in any group of people. I guess you always gotta have one right? lol
Sunday, September 29, 2013
chubby beginnings
I am starting this blog mainly for myself to track this new adventure I'm about to embark on but also hopefully to help someone else find the inspiration for themselves to make a change in their life. Change can be scary no matter what it is, small or big. You worry about the "what ifs", the"is this a good idea?" and of course the scariest of them all....... "who's going to judge me if I do this?"
I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I have always been fortunate in my life to never get bullied or mercilessly teased about it but there were moments that stuck with me from my childhood that always reminded me that yes....I was fat. My earliest memory that stung was when I was probably about 6 or so. My family every summer would go to a family camp. It was a huge camp that surrounded a lake and it was always so much fun. My sisters and I would swim and go out on the canoes and run all over with the rest of the kids. It's mainly great memories for me, but there was a guy I remember who used to call me Higley Pigley. Now mind you Higley was my last name at that time so of course Pigley was a great follow up if you were looking for a rhyme but it still stuck in my mind. Even at 6 years old I knew what it meant and even if I wasn't a fat girl then it sure made me feel like I was. I am sure he was just trying to be funny but as a kid hearing an adult say that to you it definitely stings.Now don't get me wrong, he wasn't the only one to use that rhyme but for some reason that is one that stuck with me. When I started the 6th grade I was only 92 pounds and probably close to 5 ft tall. I finally felt like I had thinned out and grown taller and felt good about myself. I actually even convinced my mom to buy me a swim suit that had the cut out in the belly and the back. It was like a two piece but it was attached at the side. It was a black suit with bright green trim and a bright green design on the front top part. I loved that suit. I felt great! Then I got into 7th grade. I gained weight quickly. It felt like it was over night. I just seemed to balloon up and I didn't know why. I was an active kid. I swam, ran around with friends in the neighborhood, rode bikes, went horseback riding....I just didn't understand it but it definitely made me hide and made me very shy. Even though I still had alot of friends and like I said I never had anyone in my school tease me I still felt ashamed. I also remember there was alot of family down visiting at my grandparents and I can't remember what it was for but I definitely remember there was a cake. All of us grand kids had a piece and were sitting in the TV room and I had gone back into the kitchen to throw my plate away and an uncle turns to me and says, "Wow, you inhaled that." I will never forget the shame I felt and the embarrassment. I remember thinking I hadn't felt like I had horked it down but I made an extra effort to be one of the last ones to throw my plate away after that whenever he was around.
Like I said, I was an active kid. even all through high school. I swam varsity on swim team, showed horses and dogs in 4-H, went on youth group trips. I didn't let my weight slow me down. I was a lifeguard and I taught swimming lessons year round. I basically lived in a swim suit from the time I was 15 until I graduated high school. I didn't let my insecurities show or stop me from doing things I enjoyed. I left for college in the fall of 2001. I lived in the dorms at school. I was super shy and totally terrified but after my mom and dad left after helping me move my stuff into my room and hook up my lap top and printer I decided that I would not let me fears and shyness get in the way of me making friends. I didn't know a soul there but I made a decision that changed my life forever and that made me realize that it's a good thing to put yourself in unknown territory sometimes and make yourself uncomfortable. It's OK to change your routine and you will be surprised at what you learn about yourself. I made myself go to the communal areas and meet people. I met some of the greatest people of my life there. Some of them I still keep in touch with. That year was the best of my life...at that time. I started working out with one of the girls from the dorms. She was a great work out buddy. She never missed a day and she was super motivational. She had a drive I was envy of but she helped me lose about 80 pounds. I remember how good I felt when I came home and people would say,"wow you look so great!" or make comments like, "you look amazing, how did you do it?" etc. I loved the attention I got. It made me feel so good like I could accomplish anything now. Even when I moved home I would take my black Lab Annie out on walks/jogs and a regular bases. Then when I moved into Tacoma...I got lazy. I felt like I could eat anything and do whatever I wanted. I hadn't worked out in forever and I was living off 1 dollar cheeseburgers and chicken sandwiches from McDonald's lol. Before I knew it...my skinny jeans wouldn't even button up anymore. They could barely make it over my hips. Little did I know that would be just the beginning.
I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I have always been fortunate in my life to never get bullied or mercilessly teased about it but there were moments that stuck with me from my childhood that always reminded me that yes....I was fat. My earliest memory that stung was when I was probably about 6 or so. My family every summer would go to a family camp. It was a huge camp that surrounded a lake and it was always so much fun. My sisters and I would swim and go out on the canoes and run all over with the rest of the kids. It's mainly great memories for me, but there was a guy I remember who used to call me Higley Pigley. Now mind you Higley was my last name at that time so of course Pigley was a great follow up if you were looking for a rhyme but it still stuck in my mind. Even at 6 years old I knew what it meant and even if I wasn't a fat girl then it sure made me feel like I was. I am sure he was just trying to be funny but as a kid hearing an adult say that to you it definitely stings.Now don't get me wrong, he wasn't the only one to use that rhyme but for some reason that is one that stuck with me. When I started the 6th grade I was only 92 pounds and probably close to 5 ft tall. I finally felt like I had thinned out and grown taller and felt good about myself. I actually even convinced my mom to buy me a swim suit that had the cut out in the belly and the back. It was like a two piece but it was attached at the side. It was a black suit with bright green trim and a bright green design on the front top part. I loved that suit. I felt great! Then I got into 7th grade. I gained weight quickly. It felt like it was over night. I just seemed to balloon up and I didn't know why. I was an active kid. I swam, ran around with friends in the neighborhood, rode bikes, went horseback riding....I just didn't understand it but it definitely made me hide and made me very shy. Even though I still had alot of friends and like I said I never had anyone in my school tease me I still felt ashamed. I also remember there was alot of family down visiting at my grandparents and I can't remember what it was for but I definitely remember there was a cake. All of us grand kids had a piece and were sitting in the TV room and I had gone back into the kitchen to throw my plate away and an uncle turns to me and says, "Wow, you inhaled that." I will never forget the shame I felt and the embarrassment. I remember thinking I hadn't felt like I had horked it down but I made an extra effort to be one of the last ones to throw my plate away after that whenever he was around.
Like I said, I was an active kid. even all through high school. I swam varsity on swim team, showed horses and dogs in 4-H, went on youth group trips. I didn't let my weight slow me down. I was a lifeguard and I taught swimming lessons year round. I basically lived in a swim suit from the time I was 15 until I graduated high school. I didn't let my insecurities show or stop me from doing things I enjoyed. I left for college in the fall of 2001. I lived in the dorms at school. I was super shy and totally terrified but after my mom and dad left after helping me move my stuff into my room and hook up my lap top and printer I decided that I would not let me fears and shyness get in the way of me making friends. I didn't know a soul there but I made a decision that changed my life forever and that made me realize that it's a good thing to put yourself in unknown territory sometimes and make yourself uncomfortable. It's OK to change your routine and you will be surprised at what you learn about yourself. I made myself go to the communal areas and meet people. I met some of the greatest people of my life there. Some of them I still keep in touch with. That year was the best of my life...at that time. I started working out with one of the girls from the dorms. She was a great work out buddy. She never missed a day and she was super motivational. She had a drive I was envy of but she helped me lose about 80 pounds. I remember how good I felt when I came home and people would say,"wow you look so great!" or make comments like, "you look amazing, how did you do it?" etc. I loved the attention I got. It made me feel so good like I could accomplish anything now. Even when I moved home I would take my black Lab Annie out on walks/jogs and a regular bases. Then when I moved into Tacoma...I got lazy. I felt like I could eat anything and do whatever I wanted. I hadn't worked out in forever and I was living off 1 dollar cheeseburgers and chicken sandwiches from McDonald's lol. Before I knew it...my skinny jeans wouldn't even button up anymore. They could barely make it over my hips. Little did I know that would be just the beginning.
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